


Crazy in Love

by feentanz



Series: Multichapters [9]
Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dom/sub, Don't Judge Me, F/M, Light Bondage, Light Dom/sub, Marriage Proposal, Smut, this is fifty shades inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-01-21 14:01:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21300614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feentanz/pseuds/feentanz
Summary: “Nice try,” he commented, placing another kiss against her throat. “But you’re not the one in charge right now.”
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Series: Multichapters [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/734664
Comments: 6
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the HogwartsOnline Holiday OWLs; Prompts: "Proposal in the snow" + "Surprise getaway when the holiday stress gets too much"

This was ridiculous. Zoya shook her head as she climbed into the car, careful not to get any wrinkles into her deep blue dress. The dress which was worth approximately 800 dollars. Even more ridiculous. “Where are we going?” she asked the driver, leaning forward in the van. The windows were darkened and she could hear someone loading her luggage into the huge trunk behind her. 

The driver eyed her in the mirror, smiling politely. “Mr Lantsov was very insistent that I should not tell you”, he replied, starting the engine. Snow had begun to fall and it was almost dark by now. 

Zoya leaned back in her seat, blowing out a frustrated breath. She hated surprises. And Nikolai knew she did, which was probably exactly why he had planned all of this. Only to drive her mad. She reached for her phone, typing a quick message to her boyfriend.  _ Remind me to never get into a car that you sent ever again.  _

He replied right away, and she could almost hear him grinning as she read the words.  _ Are you wearing the dress?  _ Of course she was. It was an 800 dollar dress, after all. And it looked magnificent on her. 

_ No,  _ she typed back.  _ Was I supposed to?  _ She glared out the window, watching the snowfall for a moment. This was the route to the airport.  _ Saints, Nikolai.  _ She opened the chat again.  _ Tell me this trip doesn’t involve leaving the country.  _ She had a test next week, on top of all the stress the holidays usually brought along. She couldn’t just leave. 

He was typing longer this time.  _ Surprise surprise.  _

She was tempted to throw the phone out of the window. Instead she left him on read, crossing her arms and taking a deep breath. She kept her eyes trained on the road, just until the car stopped in front of the airport. Although naturally, not the main entrance, but the one just for staff.  _ Show off.  _ If Nikolai loved anything it was flaunting how rich he was. One of his least favourable personality traits. 

Zoya got out of the car before the driver could open the door for her, almost slipping in the snow with her heels. She caught herself in time, not waiting for the man to bring her luggage, but instead making her way towards the small plane which was waiting. The plane which had the Lantsov symbol painted onto its side. “You’re unbelievable,” she greeted her boyfriend, who was lingering next to it, wearing a smug grin. 

“Unbelievably handsome?” Nikolai replied, his eyes taking in her outfit. “You look incredible.” 

Zoya ignored the compliment, instead narrowing her eyes. “I’m not leaving with you.” 

Nikolai waved at the driver, gesturing for him to load her suitcase into the plane. “Two days, Zo. That’s all I’m asking.” He moved closer, reaching for her hands. “You can’t spare days for me?” 

Zoya hesitated. She hated herself for being tempted. “I have classes to attend,” she said eventually. “Not everyone is lucky enough to be you and doesn’t have anything to do all day.”

Nikolai sighed, rolling his eyes at the comment. “We never see each other,” he replied. “And if we do, you’re stressed, or annoyed. Spending two days in a luxurious spa with me won’t kill you.” 

Actually, that sounded too good to say no to. Zoya took a deep breath, pulling her hands away and walking towards the plane. “Do you have champagne?” 

Nikolai laughed, moving to follow her. “As much as you want.” 

She glanced at him over her shoulder. “Two days. And I need to study once we arrive.” 

He stopped behind her, pressing a kiss to her exposed shoulder. “Of course.” 

The inside of the plane looked like straight out of a movie. Zoya tried to hide her awe by simply sitting down in silence, looking around with what she hoped would be a bored expression. “You really do love showing off, don’t you?” she commented as Nikolai opened the champagne bottle. 

He smirked, filling two glasses and handing one to her. “Where is the fun in being rich if you don’t get to show off?” he replied, clicking his glass against hers. “We won’t be in the air long. It’s a short flight.” 

Zoya glanced at him for a moment, before raising the glass to her lips and taking a sip. The champagne really was excellent. “What is all this about?” she asked eventually, shifting in her seat as the plane suddenly began to move. She quickly took another sip. Flying had never been her favourite thing in the world, and this plane hardly looked safe at all. She could feel an instant chill creeping over her back. 

“You never told me you were scared of flying,” Nikolai commented, apparently having read her mind, getting up and sitting down next to her. “We could have taken my motor boat instead.” 

She was tempted to slap him. “Shut up,” she muttered, closing her eyes for a moment to ignore the sound of the engine as they rose into the air. “And I’m not  _ scared  _ of flying. I just prefer to stay on the ground.” She opened her eyes again, only to see Nikolai watching her attentively. 

“Like I said - short flight. Thirty minutes maybe.” 

Zoya took an uneasy breath, sipping on her champagne. She never should have gotten into that damn car to begin with. 

Her boyfriend apparently felt guilty, because he took her hand again, moving closer to press a kiss to her hair. “Want me to distract you?”   
  
This time she did slap him. “You’re unbelievable.” 

Nikolai clicked his tongue, filling her glass with more champagne. “I was just offering,” he replied innocently. “Why are you scared of flying?” 

She glared at him for a moment, wondering whether the question had been a serious one. “I prefer to stay alive,” she said eventually.

“Car accidents are much more likely,” he shrugged in return. “And with your way of driving-” He stopped himself as he saw Zoya’s expression. “Sorry.” 

She nipped on her glass, trying to ignore the fact that the plane was  _ shaking.  _ Almost automatically, she held onto Nikolai’s hand a little more tightly. His skin was warm under her fingertips. Perhaps she did need a little distraction afterall. “What kind of distraction are you offering?” she asked, giving him a quick glance before downing the rest of her champagne and setting the glass down. 

His eyes darkened ever so slightly at the challenge as he leaned forward and caught her lips with his, using one hand to pull her closer. Zoya almost fell against him, surprised by the sudden movement, slipping onto his lab to steady herself. Nikolai was already busy opening the zip of her dress, his fingers brushing over the naked skin of her back as the fabric sank down to her hips. 

“I knew why I chose this dress in particular”, he purred into her ear, placing a kiss right below her earlobe. “Easy to get off.” 

Zoya laughed slightly, trembling at the touch as his lips found their way down the side of her neck, over her exposed chest. “Is this cabin soundproof?” she muttered, tracing along the lines of Nikolai’s jaw. 

“I couldn’t care any less right now,” he replied, voice sounding surprisingly on edge. 

Zoya grinned at the comment, her hands traveling down his chest, over his stomach. “Really?” she whispered, her hands finding the waistband of his jeans. She could feel him hard against her underneath. “Then why am I still dressed?” 

Nikolai groaned as he pushed her dress up, fingers digging into the exposed skin of her thighs as he pulled her closer. Zoya was still busy opening his jeans, taking her time, no matter how urgently she could feel him moving underneath her. This was her little revenge for this trip.

“Once we get off this plane,” Nikolai whispered into her ear. “I’m going to pay you back. You’re going to beg the entire night, Nazyalensky.” 

_ You wish.  _ Zoya smirked, at last opening his jeans, allowing Nikolai to push into her. She sighed at the movement, rolling her hips against his as he pulled her closer, teeth softly digging into her bottom lip as he kissed her again. She slowly moved against him, just slow enough to drive him mad, running her nails across the skin of his back. That was going to leave a few marks. 

“I’ll make you regret this,” Nikolai groaned, lips nipping at the skin of her neck. 

Zoya allowed her eyes to flutter shut as she clung to him, exhaling as she felt herself relaxing in his arms. She suddenly didn’t feel the movements of the plane anymore. She just didn’t want Nikolai to stop. 

“See?” he muttered against her skin. “I told you I’d distract you.” 

Zoya huffed, rolling her hips against him once, enough to make him exhale sharply. “Isn’t it me distracting you?” she purred, placing a kiss against his neck. 

Nikolai growled in response, gripping her hips, forcing her to move. Zoya moaned as she felt herself slipping closer, nails digging into Nikolai’s shoulder as she came, resting her head against the edge of the seat to calm her breathing. She could feel the plane losing height now, perhaps preparing for the landing. “Are we there yet?” she wanted to know, still out of breath. 

Nikolai peered out of the window. “Probably,” he remarked, running a hand through his very much messed up hair. “We spent the time rather efficiently I’d say.” 

Zoya rolled her eyes, slipping away from him and standing up. She tried to ignore the fact that the floor was moving below her as she pulled her dress back over her shoulders, trying to smooth it out. “Where exactly are we arriving?” she wanted to know, turning around so Nikolai could close her dress. 

“My favourite weekend getaway,” he replied casually, closing the zip with one hand and filling more champagne with the other. He handed her the glass. “A small house in the mountains which - conveniently enough - includes its own spa.” 

Zoya blinked at the words, sinking back down into her seat.  _ Would she ever get used to this?  _ Three years with Nikolai, and she still hadn’t. “Do you bring all your girls there?” she asked dryly, watching the darkness move outside the window. The plane was shaking as it sank lower. 

Nikolai frowned ever so slightly at the edge in her words, leaning over close enough so his breath brushed along her shoulder. “I haven’t been there in years,” he replied. “I never had anyone who I wanted to go with.” 

She sighed. “Well enough.” The small plane shook as it lost more height and Zoya felt the chill creep back over her, as she tried to breathe evenly.  _ She truly hated flying.  _

Nikolai sighed, resting his head against hers as he wrapped one arm around her waist. “We really could have gone by boat,” he remarked. 

Zoya glanced out of the window, the trees and mountains below them already dangerously close.The moonlight reflected off a giant lake, the water rippling as the plane moved above it. “I’m good,” she replied, although she was thankful for Nikolai’s warmth against her, for the familiar scent of his cologne wrapping around her like a cocoon. 

He pressed a light kiss to her hair, his breathing grazing the skin of her jaw. They stayed like that for a moment, right until the plane hit the ground, the engines roaring as it slowed down. Zoya exhaled sharply, not realizing she had been holding her breath, blowing a strand of hair away from her face. Outside it was snowing again, the snow already building up a few centimetres high. “Why did you want me to wear a dress?” she commented, shooting Nikolai a glance. “Besides, I can’t walk through snow in these shoes.” 

Nikolai rolled his eyes, getting up and holding out a hand for her. “Perhaps I was looking for an excuse to do this,” he replied, and before she could react he had picked her up in his arms. 

Zoya tensed, struggling for a moment. “Nikolai,” she muttered, vaguely annoyed, but not quite annoyed enough to fight anymore. She only sighed, leaning her head back against his chest as he carried her down the stairs, and she caught sight of the house a little further down the road. Zoya’s jaw dropped, and if she had been standing right now she might have swooned a little. 

Because  _ house  _ was an understatement. It looked more like a mansion, even from afar. The garden was huge, entirely covered in snow, and she could glimpse an indoor as well as an outdoor pool near the rooftop. “You’re absolutely insane,” she whispered. “ _ This  _ is what your weekend getaway spot looks like?” Even compared to the townhouse Nikolai lived in this was crazy. 

He smirked at her expression, gesturing his pilot to catch up with the luggage. “Are you sure you only want to spend two days?” he asked playfully, a few snowflakes getting caught in his hair. “We could stay a few weeks if you liked.” 

_ Weeks.  _ Zoya sighed. “I have studies to attend if I may remind you,” she replied. Although the prospect of spending a few weeks with only Nikolai by her side in this place did make university seem rather dull. But not everyone was rich and charming. 

They reached the entrance door at least, Nikolai setting her down gently before he opened the door, allowing her to enter first. Zoya’s heels clicked on the marble floor as she stepped inside, turning around herself to take in the house. It was huge. “How much does it cost to heat this place?” she muttered. 

Nikolai chuckled, closing the door behind himself. “Go upstairs,” was all he said. 

She gave him a quick glance before she obliged. The first floor spread out into a long hallway which probably lead to the bedroom - or, the bedrooms - as well as the winter garden, which included the indoor pool. Zoya stepped into the room, the warm air grazing over her skin. 

Nikolai was suddenly behind her, brushing the hair away from her neck. “We can try out the pool later,” he whispered against her skin, leaving a kiss against her shoulder blade. “There’s something else first.” 

Zoya frowned as he reached for her hand and led her towards another set of stairs, one which lead them upstairs onto the rooftop. “Nikolai,” she began. “Why are we here?” She stopped in the middle of the rooftop, snow softly falling around them. This was not a normal getaway. This was crazy, even for Nikolai. 

He sighed, turning around to face her. “You really can’t relax for even a minute, can you?” He smirked. “Look at the view.” 

Zoya frowned as he stepped away and she slipped closer to the edge of the roof, looking down at the half-frozen lake, the snow covered mountains, the stars gleaming in the sky. For a second everything was silent. She could hear Nikolai breathing next to her as he wrapped his arms around her from behind, pulling her close. It was truly beautiful. 

And then, the bubble burst. “Let’s get married.” 

Zoya froze, instantly turning around on her heel. “ _ I’m sorry what?”  _ Had he really just said that? 

Nikolai had the audacity to grin as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black box, which revealed a ring when he opened it. A diamond ring. 

For a second the world was spinning. Zoya reached for something to steady herself. “You’re kidding me,” she got out. Her voice was shaking. 

Nikolai raised a brow at her, almost offended. “I’m quite serious,” he replied. 

“We don’t even live together,” Zoya shot back, shaking her head. She refused to look at the ring. If Genya were here right now she would probably laugh. “We don’t even-” She never finished the sentence. 

Nikolai gave a half shrug. “Move in with me,” was all he had to say. “I live closer to your university anyway.” 

She took a deep breath. Panic was spiraling freely through her blood. “I don’t know what to tell you,” she replied weakly. “I don’t know what to say about any of this.” She looked around herself. 

Nikolai sighed. “Okay, listen.” He moved closer, reaching out for her. His fingers brushed along her neck as he tilted her chin upwards so she would look at him. “We’ve been together for three years, and we never see each other. You’re always busy, and I get that, but I want more.” His hazel eyes were gleaming in the moonlight. “You don’t need to say yes right now. Move in with me. Let’s try this out.” 

Zoya swallowed hard, pressing her lips together as she tried to think of an answer. It wasn’t even like she didn't want to. If she had more time she would spent all her night’s at Nikolai’s house, but her schedule simply didn't allow it. If she moved, that problem would be avoided. She took a deep breath. “I’ll think about it,” she said quietly, her eyes darting towards the ring. “But I suppose living with you might not be that bad of an idea.” 

Nikolai’s lips spread into a smile as he leaned down to kiss her, his fingers brushing some hair away from her face. “I knew my charm would be enough to convince you,” he muttered under his breath. “Do you still want the ring?” 

Zoya hesitated. “Can a girl say no to a diamond?” 

“I was hoping you might say that,” he whispered into her ear, already taking her hand and slipping the ring onto her finger. 

She moved her hand, the stone catching the reflection of the moon. “How do you know my ring size?” 

Nikolai shrugged. “Genya.” 

Of course. Zoya snorted. “I hate surprises.” 

He chuckled softly as he pulled her closer again, kissing the top of her head. “I love you, Zo,” he whispered into her hair, before letting go and pulling her towards the stairs. “We should go test out that pool, don’t you think?” 

This was perhaps the thing she appreciated most about Nikolai, and the reason why she had not turned around and run from this relationship after a few weeks. Because he had never expected her to say those three words back. And she hadn’t, not once in three years, although she was hoping that at this point Nikolai would know about her feelings without her having to explain. Because she did love him, and as much as she hated to admit to such a vulnerability, he was the only person she had ever allowed to get this close. 

And now he had offered her a ring. If she wanted to, she could become Miss Nikolai Lantsov. She looked around herself as Nikolai led her downstairs, wondering whether his parents would appreciate that decision. Or if they even knew he had proposed. 

The water of the pool was glittering when they stepped back into the winter garden, Zoya slipping out of her heels first thing. Without them, she only reached up to Nikolai’s chin. “Finally want to show me the pool?” she said quietly, giving Nikolai a suggestive glance. 

He slipped closer, his hands brushing her hair back from her face. “Very much so,” he muttered, his hands sliding down her body, opening her dress so slowly that Zoya felt her patience wavering. 

Perhaps that was Nikolai’s payback already. The dress finally fell to the floor and Zoya glanced up at him, wrapping her arms around his neck. 

Nikolai moved, catching her lips with his own eventually. Zoya opened her mouth under his, letting his tongue flick inside, while she opened the buttons of his shirt. The fabric joined her dress on the floor and she moved on to his jeans, her fingers suddenly trembling. 

“In a rush, Nazyalensky?” Nikolai purred into her ear as he slipped out of the jeans, his arms suddenly around her waist, lifting her up. 

“You wish,” Zoya huffed, wrapping her legs around his torso, feeling her heart skip a beat as Nikolai already made his way over to the pool. “I’m still dressed,” she remarked. 

Without further notice he opened the clip of her bra, flashing a grin as he pulled the fabric off her body. “Problem solved.” 

She gasped as the water suddenly surrounded them, warm and soothing. Zoya’s nails dug into his back as Nikolai pressed her against the wall of the pool, kissing her, devouring her from the inside. His thumb traced the line of her breasts, brushing right below her nipple. She trembled under the touch, feeling her entire body tensing. “Nikolai,” Zoya rasped, too much aware of the last bit of fabric still separating them. 

He had the audacity to laugh, his lips nipping at her jaw, her neck, down to her throat. And then his hand was between her legs, brushing over the fabric of her panty, and Zoya gasped. “Want me to hurry?” he purred, placing kisses against her ear, his hot breathing making her shiver. 

“Don’t make me murder you,” Zoya got out, a moan escaping her as Nikolai’s fingers moved against her. This was going to be the end of her one day. 

Nikolai chuckled, apparently taking pity on her, because he finally finished undressing her. He slipped closer, pushing her legs apart as he sunk into her, claiming her lips with his once again. 

Zoya felt like drowning. She couldn’t breathe, instead clung tighter to Nikolai, nails scraping along his back as she sank back against the wall. 

“Are you going to take my name once we’re married?” Nikolai rasped against her, rolling his hips to push deeper inside of her. 

Zoya attempted a laugh which trailed off in a soft moan. “You wish.” 

He laughed hoarsely. “I didn’t expect anything else.” 

Zoya saved herself the answer, being too busy breathing as the orgasm rattled through her body. She rested her head against Nikolai’s shoulder, panting, feeling the world still around her. Not even the rushing water made a sound anymore. 

Nikolai came right with her, holding onto her for a moment longer, pressing an array of kisses to her neck. “I love you,” he breathed, his hot breath writing the words onto her skin. 

Zoya glanced at him, arms still wrapped around him, not quite willing to let go just yet. Instead she remained coddled up against him with her head still resting on his shoulder, closing her eyes for a moment. She could feel his fingers brushing over her back as he moved through the water, carrying her with him. 

Suddenly a sharp cold cut through the air and Zoya opened her eyes, looking right into the valley beneath them. The outdoor pool spread out below the rooftop, allowing a view onto the lake. It had stopped snowing, but the view was no less magical. 

“Why didn’t we come here sooner?” Zoya whispered, brushing a hand along Nikolai’s neck. 

His lips brushed over her damp hair. “I wanted a reason to come,” he replied. “And although I wanted to marry you the first moment I saw you, I assumed you might want to wait a while.” 

She frowned at him, watching his expression in the moonlight. They had never talked about marriage before, not even jokingly. “I wasn’t aware you had a plan,” she remarked. 

Nikolai gave her an amused smile. “You thought I would ever let you go again? Took me long enough to charm you into liking me.” 

Zoya huffed, raising her head so she was looking at him. “Perhaps you’re not as charming as you think you are.” 

His lips brushed over hers, the whisper of a kiss rather than a real one. “Perhaps you’re just immune.” 

She allowed herself to smile, giving him a playful glance. “You made it eventually, didn’t you?” Her gaze caught the ring on her finger, sparkling even more so in the moonlight. 

Nikolai followed her eyes. “Made a decision yet?” he asked quietly. 

Zoya sighed, tilting her head back to look at the stars above their heads. “Will you make me sign a contract?” she asked, not quite sure herself where the question came from. “So I can’t run away with all your money?” 

Nikolai raised a brow at her. “Where is that coming from?” he wanted to know, brushing a hand along her cheek. “You think I don’t trust you?” 

She watched him for a moment, unsure what to say next. “Did you tell your parents?” 

That was not exactly Nikolai’s favourite topic, and she was well aware. He sighed at the words. “Yes,” he replied. “I told them I was planning to propose.” 

“And they were fine with it?” She had met the two of them twice at events the Lantsov family had hosted, and it had never gone particularly well. Although that might partly have been due to the reason that encounters between Nikolai and his family hardly ever went well, regardless of whether she was involved or not. 

“I don’t need them to be fine with anything I do,” Nikolai replied smoothly. He leaned closer, kissing the top of her cheekbone. “Does your sudden interest in these things mean that you’re contemplating to accept?” 

Zoya remained silent for a moment, watching the mountains stretching out before them. Nikolai had never pushed her. Never asked anything of her. And she had always been afraid. “I might,” she replied eventually. “But maybe you still need to convince me.” 

His eyes lit up at the challenge behind the words. “That can be arranged,” he mused. “This house has a lot of bedrooms.” 


	2. Chapter 2

Zoya awoke as the first sunrays found their way into the bedroom. The silk sheets around her ruffled as she turned around, feeling Nikolai’s arms wrapped around her, his soft breathing caressing her face. This was how she wanted to wake up each morning. Her eyes caught the diamond on her finger. Perhaps that dream was coming true. 

It had been after 4am last night when they had finally emerged from the pool and they had not quite made it to all the bedrooms yet, mostly due to the fact that Zoya had fallen asleep against Nikolai’s chest the moment they had left the pool. She sat up now, careful not to wake her boyfriend, and slipped out of the bed in silence. 

She wrapped herself up in Nikolai’s shirt as she made her way downstairs. It was snowing again, and the snow was piling up rather high already. The soft sunlight made it glow almost magically. 

Zoya examined the empty kitchen - which had probably never been used before - and then opened the door to the garden. The air was cold as ice as she stepped outside, careful not to accidentally fall into the snow. Everything looked so peaceful. She watched the nature for a moment, utter silence having settled around her.  _ Perhaps two days was not enough after all.  _

Suddenly someone embraced her from behind and she shrieked as Nikolai lifted her off her feet. “Good morning,” he rasped as he picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder. 

“Are you insane?” Zoya hissed, struggling to get free, but of course without luck. 

Nikolai carried her back into the kitchen, setting her down on the kitchen table. “You’re going to get a cold out there,” he remarked, leaning closer, just so his lips were hovering in front of hers. 

She glared at him, before eventually giving in and closing the distance between them, pressing her lips to his. 

Nikolai instantly reacted, his hands sliding into her hair as he shifted closer, in between her legs. “I’d like to wake up to this every morning,” he whispered into the kiss, lips trailing down her jaw, over her throat. 

Zoya smiled, running her hands over the lines of his bare back, feeling him move under her fingertips. “I could get used to this,” she admitted, pulling his face up to kiss him again. 

The kiss was all hunger and hurry, Nikolai’s teeth tugging at her bottom lip, his tongue flicking along her own. He was opening the buttons of his shirt, exposing Zoya’s bare shoulders as the fabric fell. 

She moaned softly as he kissed down her neck, her chest, his tongue briefly flicking over her nipple. Zoya shivered at the movement, her hands curling up in his hair as he went lower. “Great way to start a morning,” she remarked, her breathing slightly hitched as Nikolai’s lips traveled along the insides of her thighs, the skin prickling under his touch. 

He chuckled, and then his head disappeared between her legs and Zoya couldn’t help but let out a small cry, arching her back as his tongue flicked against her entrance. Every touch was deliberate, with the sole intention of making her beg for more. 

“Nikolai,” she warned, barely able to get the words out. The world was spinning around her. 

He had the audacity to smirk up at her, just before one finger slipped inside her. Zoya cried out, her head falling back as she closed her eyes, her hands gripping the edge of the table. She moaned as he pushed a second finger in, his tongue circling around her clit, moving so  _ slowly.  _ Zoya felt her pleasure building, her grip onto the table intensifying as she tried to keep breathing. 

A small whimper escaped her as she came, and she could feel Nikolai’s chuckle echo through her body as she fell back against the table, resting her head against the solid wood.  _ This man was driving her insane.  _ She released a sharp breath, closing her eyes for another moment as she felt Nikolai pressing a kiss to her lower abdomen, then move away. She peered at him through her lashes, watching him move towards the kitchen counter. 

“What do you want for breakfast?” he asked, like he had not just made her come on the table right in this very room. 

Zoya pushed up onto her elbows, still breathing unevenly as she sat up. “I don’t care,” she replied, pulling the shirt back around her body. 

Nikolai smirked as he opened the fridge. “Pancakes?” 

She sighed, nodding as she ran a hand through her hair. “If I move in with you, are you going to make me breakfast every morning?” So far, she had only ever seen Nikolai’s housekeeper in his kitchen, doing the cooking. 

He offered her a slight smile. “If that’s what you want.” 

Zoya slipped from the table, wrapping her arms around him from behind and allowing her head to rest against his back. There were still markings from her nails on the naked skin, and she traced a finger along the faint lines. She had not looked in a mirror this morning, but she could only imagine how many bruises Nikolai had left in his wake. “What are we going to do today?” she muttered against him, placing a kiss on his back. 

Nikolai had somehow managed to find a mixture for pancake batter somewhere in the counter, and was now busy stirring it with water. “Whatever you want to do,” he replied casually. “We can go for a flight,” he suggested with a grin, earning a slap against his shoulder. 

“Shut up,” Zoya muttered, glancing out into the garden. If she was honest, she would be happy just spending an entire day in the pool, or in bed. She didn’t usually get any days off, least of all during December. “What did you say about all those bedrooms?” 

Nikolai laughed at the words, turning around to face her for a moment. “You’re really never satisfied, are you?” His lips brushed against hers in a quick kiss. 

Zoya shrugged. “I haven’t accepted your proposal yet, so I’d assume you still have some convincing to do.” 

“My performance just a minute ago wasn’t enough?” 

She huffed. “Barely.” 

Nikolai turned back to the pancakes, smirking ever so slightly. “I’ll remind you of that once we are back upstairs,” he mused, reaching for one of the pans which had all neatly been stocked along the oven. 

Zoya felt a shiver of excitement creeping over her skin at those words, and she let go of Nikolai to strive through the kitchen, back into the entrance hall. Sunlight was flooding the room now, making the snow outside glittering. 

“You can go swimming while I cook,” Nikolai suggested from the kitchen. “I’ll serve you breakfast upstairs.” 

_ Oh.  _ Zoya smiled to herself as she walked upstairs, into the winter garden. It was very silent when she sank into the water of the pool, the warmth hugging her body as she swam outside. A few birds were crossing through the air, and a slight breeze was brushing through her hair as she rested her head on the edge of the pool, closing her eyes. 

If she wanted to, she could have this every day of her life. She could take that plane, fly to this place, and then stay for as long as she liked. Or perhaps she could go by motor board instead. She could wake up next to Nikolai every morning. Subconsciously, her fingers brushed over the engagement ring. She could be Miss Nikolai Lantsov. If only she dared. If only she pushed past that fear inside of her, that fear to get too close to anyone. 

The door to the winter garden was opened and Zoya looked up as Nikolai carried a plate inside, easing himself into the water as well. “Dreaming about me?” he commented, flashing a grin as he set the plate down at the edge of the pool. 

Zoya rolled her eyes in response, reaching for the fork, but Nikolai was quicker. He picked a piece of pancake up, holding it out to her with a suggestive glance. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes again, instead taking the bite. Surprisingly, it tasted good. 

Nikolai seemed to have read the surprise from her face because he picked up another bite. “I’m not that bad of a cook, really,” he commented. “I just have people to do it.” 

_ Show off.  _ Zoya flashed him an annoyed look at the comment, taking the fork away from him. “Your arrogance knows no bounds, does it?” 

He laughed, wrapping his arms around her waist to draw her closer. “No,” he muttered against her ear, kissing her cheek. “But that never bothered you before.” 

True, sadly enough. Zoya held a piece of pancake out to him, watching Nikolai’s eyes gleam with amusement as he took the bite. 

“I could get used to this,” he remarked. 

She raised a brow. “Me feeding you?” 

Nikolai laughed, taking the fork from her. “No,” he replied. “You being here. All the time. For more than a few hours.”

“I already agreed to move in with you.” 

Nikolai’s lips spread into a small smile as he dropped the fork on the plate, instead taking her face into his hands. “I know,” he said quietly, tracing the lines of her face with his fingers. “I just like hearing that from you.” His lips caught hers, and this time the kiss was soft and slow.

She could taste the sugar of the pancakes still on his lips, her hands tracing along his chest, over the lines of his stomach. This was what she wanted for the rest of her life. This, and nothing else. Zoya glanced at him, pulling away ever so slightly. “Thanks for taking me here,” she whispered against his lips, feeling their breaths mingle in the air between them. He never let go of her. 

“You can come here whenever you like,” Nikolai replied with a spark in his eyes, kissing her again. His tongue traced the line of her bottom lip. “This could be  _ our  _ weekend getaway.” 

Zoya sighed, closing her eyes for a moment as she leaned against him. She knew all that. “I can’t decide that right now,” she said eventually. 

Nikolai nodded. “You don’t have to.” He picked up another piece of pancake. “Hungry?” 

She only smiled. 

They stayed in the pool for another while, feeding each other the rest of the pancakes, lazily swimming around. Genya called, demanding to know where Zoya had flown off too, and she made the two of them promise that the next time they left, Genya and David would come along.  _ I’ll be back tomorrow evening,  _ Zoya told her best friend on the phone, feeling Nikolai’s gaze heavy on her. “Don’t look at me like that,” she told him as she hung up, swimming after him towards the end of the pool. 

“Like what?” he wanted to know, emerging from the water and reaching for one of the towels. 

She rolled her eyes. “I can’t stay any longer than tomorrow,” she replied, wrapping a towel around her body. “I have class, I have work to do.” 

Nikolai sighed, nodding. “I know.” He brushed a light kiss against her hair. “I just wish I could steal you away for a little while longer.” 

Zoya wrapped her arms around his torso before he could slip away, placing a kiss on his still damp chest. “You still haven’t shown me all those bedrooms,” she mused. “I’m getting impatient.” 

Nikolai laughed, his eyes gleaming at the suggestion. “I suppose we should change that right now.” 

Zoya followed him down the hallway, right up to the very last door. Yesterday night they had chosen the first bedroom due to comfort reasons, but apparently this one was the master bedroom. Zoya blinked in surprise as she stepped inside, at the room which stretched out almost as big as the rooftop, with an array of windows which covered the entire wall. “This was worth the wait I guess,” she remarked, feeling Nikolai shift behind her, his body pressing against hers as he kissed along her shoulders. 

She leaned into the embrace, already feeling him hard against her backside. “Excited?” she commented, glancing at him over her shoulder. 

“You have no idea,” Nikolai muttered, his voice suddenly hoarse, as he pulled the towel off her body. His kisses traveled over her neck, her ear, her jaw, and Zoya’s breath hitched once. 

Eventually the impatience got to her and she turned around, capturing his lips with her own, brushing her fingers along the toned lines of his stomach. And a little lower, just where the towel was wrapped around his hips. 

Nikolai laughed as the fabric fell, picking her up from the ground in one swift motion. “Remember what I promised you on the plane?” he purred into her ear, pushing her down onto the mattress. His teeth dug into the skin of her neck, right in the spot where it connected to her shoulder. 

Zoya gasped. She knew just well enough what he was referring to. But she had assumed that the little session on the kitchen table earlier today had been enough to satisfy Nikolai’s craving for revenge. Apparently not. 

His face was hovering just above hers now, his lips daring to touch hers. “Want to try something?” he breathed against her, his eyes challenging. 

Zoya was pretty sure that she  _ didn’t  _ want to try anything Nikolai suggested, but the darkness in her eyes made her too excited to even contemplate saying no. “Sure,” she muttered. “If it makes you get on with it eventually.” 

He grinned, suddenly sitting up. “Stay here,” he told her, and it sounded surprisingly like an order. 

And even more surprisingly, she didn't mind it for once. Zoya dropped her head back into the pillow, admiring the view outside the window for a moment, until she heard footsteps in the hallway. She glared at her boyfriend as he came back inside, her brows rising as she noticed what he had brought along. “Want me to chain you to the bed?” she asked, eyes darting to the blindfold and the necktie he had brought along. 

Nikolai huffed, sitting down at the edge of the bed. “Do you trust me?” 

_ Oh.  _ Zoya watched him for a moment, hesitating. Did she? Usually, someone else tying her up wouldn’t even have been an option. If anyone, she was the one doing that part. And Nikolai had hardly ever minded before. She blew a strand of hair away from her face, giving him a confident look. “Go ahead.” 

His lips grazed her neck briefly as he leaned forward, fingers pushing her hair away from her face. He was smirking as he pulled the blindfold over her eyes, Zoya finding herself in complete darkness. 

“Choose a safeword,” Nikolai whispered into her ear, pressing a soft kiss against her earlobe. The touch was enough to make her shiver. 

“Red,” she muttered back, at this point impatient enough that all she wanted was for him to finally continue. She felt a nervous excitement settling over herself, feeling Nikolai taking her wrists in his hands, the soft cotton of the tie wrapping around them. He pulled her hands over her head, typing her to the top of the bed. 

“Now this is a new situation entirely,” Nikolai rasped into her ear, his lips very slowly wandering down her neck, over her collarbones, along her shoulders. 

Zoya felt a shiver rattling across her spine. “Don’t get used to it,” she muttered back, trying to ignore the sensation creeping along her body at the words, at the entire situation. Perhaps submission did suit her better than she had thought originally.

Nikolai chuckled, kissing along the lines of her chest, his tongue flicking against her nipple once. Zoya pressed her lips together to avoid crying out, not yet willing to give him the satisfaction. Naturally, he knew her too well. His lips closed around her nipple, sucking at the skin, causing Zoya to whimper as she arched her back, pressing closer against him. 

Nikolai laughed once, his breathing hot against her skin. “Easy, Nazyalensky,” he mused, kissing downwards, over her stomach. 

She silently begged for him to go lower, to make the ache between her legs stop, but naturally she didn’t get that lucky. Nikolai turned to her other breast now, his teeth softly biting into the skin, nipping at her nipple. Zoya had trouble breathing, feeling the fabric which tied her to the bed stretch as she tore at it. 

“Trying to get free?” Nikolai teased, kissing the spot right between her breasts, his lips probably leaving a trail of bruises behind. He went upwards again, kissing her jaw, his fingers tracing the lines of her collarbones. “I really need to teach you some patience.” 

Zoya huffed, although it sounded more like another whimper. “You can try,” she got out, unable to think straight. All she wanted was for him to finally  _ start.  _ She shifted underneath him, trying to move her hips enough to rub herself against him but Nikolai caught her, pinning her body in place with his. 

“Nice try,” he commented, placing another kiss against her throat. “But you’re not the one in charge right now.” 

Zoya was caught of guard when he kissed her again, her lips opening under his immediately, welcoming him. Nikolai playfully bit into her bottom lip, his tongue flicking against hers for just a moment. She could feel her tension building up further as his fingers brushed over her stomach, along her thighs, but refusing to find that one spot where she wanted him most. It was truly maddening. 

“Do you want me to keep going?” he breathed against her skin, sounding like he was obviously enjoying every last bit of this. His kisses went lower again and again his tongue caught her nipple, his fingers moving across her lower abdomen, daring to slip lower. 

Zoya cried out in frustration. She was going to kill him. Once she was no longer tied to this damn bed, she was going to kill him. “Nikolai,” she gasped, trying to stop her voice from shaking. “I dare you.” 

He only laughed, continuing to suck at her nipple, spreading kisses along the lines of her chest. 

Zoya felt herself going slowly insane. She didn’t have a talent for begging, but apparently he was planning to drive her to the edge like this. “Please,” she got out, hating the desperation in her voice. “I need-” 

His lips rested against her neck. “Need what?” he muttered, and she could feel him smirking against her skin. 

“Get on with it,” Zoya hissed, instantly regretting the words as she felt his thumb brushing across the underside of her breast, then higher. She let out a small moan at the touch. “Please,” she repeated, not even caring anymore. 

Nikolai pressed a light kiss to her lips. “Good girl,” he whispered, suddenly flipping her over onto her stomach. 

Zoya gasped in surprise for a moment, just as she felt Nikolai settling between her legs, now spreading kisses between her shoulder blades, along her spine. 

She cried out when he -  _ finally -  _ sank into her, letting her face sink into the pillow to drown out her moans when he pushed deeper inside of her. She couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, not with him moving against her at last, his lips finding their way along the back of her neck. Nikolai was panting now, but she could still feel him smirk at how close she was already, how ready for him. 

Zoya released another cry as she came, collapsing around him, feeling her entire body trembling. His lips found the spot just between her shoulder blades, nipping at the skin while he followed her over the edge. 

She sank back into the pillows, barely able to catch her breath, waiting out the shivers which shook her body.  _ Why hadn’t they tried this out any sooner?  _

Nikolai moved on top of her, and a second later she felt the restraints around her wrists loosening, then slipping away. “Enjoyed yourself?” he whispered into her ear, flipping her over again and pulling the blindfold away from her eyes. 

Zoya glared up at him, the room suddenly being too bright and blinding her. “Perhaps,” she replied breathlessly, leaning up to catch his lips in a kiss. 

Nikolai smiled against her lips, brushing a finger along her cheek. He was still smiling when he rolled off her. 

Zoya had regained her composure at last. “I hope you feel good,” she commented. “You’re the only person I’d ever let me tie to anything.” 

He glanced at her, but there was none of the usual arrogance in his eyes. “I’m touched,” he replied instead. 

Zoya rolled over, settling in his arms with her head on his chest. She had been honest. If anyone else had suggested tying her up she would have kicked them out of her bed faster than they could blink. She watched Nikolai’s face for a moment, watched the way the sunlight illuminated his face. Perhaps this was the time for more honesty. She took a deep breath. “I love you.” 

Nikolai stilled, his gaze immediately darting to her as he blinked in surprise. “ _ What?”  _

She narrowed her eyes. “Don’t make me say it again.” 

He looked genuinely confused. “You tell me that after I blindfolded you and tied you to a bed? I proposed to you yesterday, but you choose now?” 

Zoya rested her head on his chest, giving a half shrug. “I figured you’d know anyway.” Or so she had hoped. 

Nikolai sighed, leaning forward to kiss the tip of her nose. “I love you too,” he muttered. “And it feels very nice to hear you say it. Feeds my ego.” 

She slapped his shoulder. “Stop ruining the moment.” 

“Does that mean you’re accepting my proposal?” 

Good question. Zoya slipped closer to him, feeling his warm breathing caressing her neck. “I’d say your performance was quite convincing.” 

He laughed into her ear, brushing a hand across her naked back. “Is that a yes?” 

Apparently he was really going to make her say it. She shot him an annoyed look. “ _ Yes.”  _ Nikolai’s eyes lit up at the word, and she wondered if he had really doubted her. “You really thought I’d say no?” 

For a moment he hesitated. “You weren’t exactly thrilled.” 

She had been. But it had been a long time since Zoya had allowed herself to think about a thing such as marriage. “I’m scared,” she admitted. Had been scared for three years now. 

Nikolai kissed the top of her head. “I know,” he whispered into her hair. “But you’re managing quite well so far.” 

She huffed, resting her head on his chest as she curled up against his side. 


	3. Chapter 3

Nikolai ran a hand through Zoya’s hair, tracing the lines of her cheekbone, the touch light enough not to wake her. The diamond was glittering on her finger and for the first time, he allowed himself to consider that fact without hesitation.  _ She had said yes.  _ He had texted Genya briefly right after Zoya had fallen asleep, since her help with choosing the ring had been bound to the condition that she would be the first to know once Zoya decided. 

Quite honestly, he had not expected her to decide this quickly at all. Because Zoya was textbook afraid of commitment, and some shadow of that had always remained with her, no matter how much time had passed between them. 

Nikolai remembered the party where they had met for the first time, where he had asked her out, and she had turned him down with no more than a raise of her brows and a huff. It had taken him weeks to get to that first date, and even longer to convince her he was worthy of a second one. As much as he liked to pride himself on his charm, with Zoya he had almost given up. 

But he hadn’t. Instead he had waited, been patient, stopped pushing. It had taken him a year until she had finally agreed to stay at his place overnight, and he still recalled her bored expression when she had entered his townhouse, a sight which made every other girl usually swoon. But not Zoya Nazyalensky. She had merely asked him whether he thought a place like this was economically sustainable. Ever the lawyer. 

Nikolai had never dared to bring up the moving topic before this weekend, nor had he ever asked Zoya about anything regarding marriage. He had made the choice to ask her long ago, but never quite dared to go through with it. 

Some part of him had still doubted whether she would allow herself to go this far. After all, it had taken him two years to even get Zoya to refer to him as her boyfriend, let alone the fact that she had never quite acknowledged anything regarding her feelings before today. But he hadn’t pushed. Because he loved her, even if she wasn’t easy, but perhaps even more so for that fact.

Zoya stirred now, her hair grazing his chin as she moved. “What time is it?” she muttered, still sounding half asleep. 

“Who cares?” Nikolai remarked. “You’re on holiday.” 

She lifted her head, blinking for a moment. “Right,” she replied dryly. “I forgot.” Just in this moment, her phone vibrated. Zoya rolled her eyes, reaching out for it. “Genya,” she greeted, putting her friend on speaker mode. 

“I got Nikolai’s text,” Genya remarked from the other end, practically beaming with excitement. “Can I start planning the wedding?”

Zoya shot Nikolai a dark look, sitting up. He chuckled, watching the annoyed expression on her face, which was only half serious. “We don’t have a date yet,” Zoya muttered into the phone, sounding the opposite of thrilled. 

“Time to change that,” was all Genya offered. “I was thinking summer?” 

The sheer panic on Zoya’s face was enough for Nikolai to reach for the phone. “Genya dear, summer is pretty booked for me,” he noted, watching Zoya’s face. “And we’re in no rush.” 

Genya sighed with disappointment. “Fine,” she muttered. “I just wanted to congratulate you.” 

“Thank you,” Nikolai replied with a smile, eyes still fixed on Zoya. She had her face turned away, gaze wandering towards the window. “Say hi to David from us.” 

Genya snorted at the implication. “I’ll stop bothering you, I get it.” She sighed. “Text me when you’re back home, Zo.”

Zoya muttered a half-hearted reply, waiting for Nikolai to hang up. “Your summer isn’t really booked, is it?” she immediately noticed. 

Nikolai shrugged. “Judging from the look on your face you didn’t quite love the idea.” 

Her gaze darted away from his, fingers playing with the end of the blanket. She took a deep breath. “Aren’t you ever getting tired of waiting for me?” 

The question caught Nikolai off guard, and he hesitated. “Why would I?” he said eventually. “You’re worth it.” He smirked ever so slightly. “And I already charmed you into an engagement, I’d say I’m doing pretty well.” 

Zoya didn’t look entirely convinced. A dark shadow was passing over her face _ . Doubt,  _ Nikolai realized. “Why didn’t you give up after the first six months?”

Nikolai’s mother had once asked him this question, after two years had passed and she had eventually met her son’s girlfriend for the first time.  _ Why work yourself up over a girl like this?  _ Nikolai sighed. “Do you remember what you said to me, after seeing the townhouse for the first time?”

This time Zoya huffed, throwing some hair back over her shoulder. “Whether you thought buying and keeping a house this size in the present economy was a sustainable decision regarding tax paying.” 

“That was the moment I decided I wanted to marry you.” 

For a moment her gaze was unreadable. “I was being serious,” she said eventually. 

Nikolai shrugged. “So was I.” Because it was the truth. He had made the decision that night, when Zoya had fallen asleep in his home for the first time, at her side of the bed rather than close to him. “If you want to wait three years with the wedding, then we wait three more years,” he added. “As long as you want, if only I get to see that ring on your finger.” 

She sighed, leaning forward to brush a light kiss against his lips. “Just so you know, this mansion is everything but economically sustainable.” 

Nikolai laughed, brushing his finger along her cheek. “Once this is  _ our  _ mansion you can see to that problem.” 

The next time Zoya woke up it was almost evening. It had begun to snow again, thick chunks of it falling from the sky. She rolled onto her back, noticing that the bed beside her was empty. It had been a long time ago since she had slept an entire day away. 

She slowly got to her feet, moving towards the huge wardrobe in the corner to find one of her boyfriend’s shirts to slip into. Nikolai had enough of them, she might as well steal a few. 

Afterwards she made her way downstairs, curious to see where Nikolai had disappeared to. She eventually found him in the kitchen, leaned against the table, on the phone. His brows were furrowed and he looked everything but thrilled, but he still offered her a smile as she slipped into the room, silently sitting down on the edge of the table.

“No,” he said into the phone. “I don’t think next Saturday works.” He rolled his eyes. “I’ll ask.” His eyes darted to Zoya. “Do you have plans next Monday?” 

She raised a brow, already expecting the worst. “I have lectures.” 

“In the evening?”

_ Oh oh.  _ Zoya sighed. “No,” she admitted. 

Nikolai looked vaguely amused. “She says yes,” he said into the phone. “Yes, mother. I remember.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Fine, I’ll call you.” A moment passed in silence. “Right.” He hung up at last. “My mother,” he muttered. 

Zoya bit her lip. “What’s next Monday?” She wasn’t sure if she even wanted to know. 

Nikolai sighed. “Don’t run away once I tell you.” 

“I can’t make any promises.” 

He made a face. “My mother wants to throw us an engagement party. She says it will be a delightful gathering.” 

Zoya exhaled sharply, trying to ignore the panic curling up in her stomach. Her fingers instinctively played with the ring on her finger. A  _ gathering.  _ With Nikolai’s family, and perhaps a bunch of other upper class people. Just the place she did not want to be at. 

“I can tell her no,” Nikolai offered, perhaps having noticed her dread. “But if I had told her now I never would have gotten away from the phone.” He sighed. “She insists that she gets to know her daughter in law now.” 

_ Great.  _ Zoya leaned back in her chair. “I’ll be fine,” she replied eventually. “Once we’re married I assume we might go to more of these parties.” 

Nikolai huffed. “Probably.” He eyed her carefully. “Are you really fine with that?” 

Zoya took a deep breath. At some point, she would have to be. “I’m good.” Especially because she didn’t want to kick off this engagement with Nikolai’s family hating her. Things were already complicated enough between them without her involvement. “Did she say anything else?” Zoya asked carefully. 

Nikolai raised a brow. “Like what?”

“Does she agree with your choice of bride?” There, she had said it. 

He sighed. “I know you think my mother hates you, but she doesn’t. She is just a little difficult to get along with.” 

That hardly eased Zoya’s mind. “Okay,” she said all the same.

Nikolai didn’t buy the lie. He stopped in front of her, gently lifting her chin. “You don’t have to go.” 

“I want to.” She didn’t want to be the reason Nikolai had problems with his mother. Zoya knew all too well how life went without one. 

He nodded, kissing her hair. “If you say so.” He cupped her cheek. “I still have a hard time believing that you really said yes.” 

Zoya felt herself smiling, brushing a hand along his neckline. She still had a hard time believing that, too. Although not negatively. Not at all, actually. “I can’t wait,” she whispered. And she meant it. 

Zoya came to regret her decision for accepting the invite much sooner than anticipated. Because when Nikolai’s mother said ‘engagement party’ she had gone all out. Zoya was hardly a fan of crowds and as much as she enjoyed being the star of the show, this was far more than she could handle.

Nikolai led her through the crowd, fingers intertwined with his, towards the corner of the room where his mother was standing.  _ Oh Saints.  _ Zoya lifted her chin, quickly fluffing her hair back over her shoulders. This woman always managed to frighten her. 

But Nikolai’s mother smiled when she saw them, raising her glass of champagne. “Nikolai!” she greeted, hugging her son as he kissed her on the cheek. “It is truly lovely to see you.” Her gaze swept over Zoya once, and she was suddenly awfully aware of how short her dress was, how tight. “You look incredible,” Nikolai’s mother commented, pulling Zoya into a swift hug. Her perfume smelled strongly of roses. 

Zoya managed a smile, quickly taking a sip of champagne. “Thank you for the invitation, Mrs Lantsov,” she added, since Nikolai didn’t make an effort to keep a conversation going. 

“Call me Tanya, please,” his mother replied, still wearing her smile. When she gazed at her son her brightness faltered a little. “Your father told me you haven’t called in a while.” 

Zoya took another sip from her glass, desperately wishing for something stronger. 

Nikolai’s jaw clenched. “Is there something about the company he needs to discuss?” he asked, almost coldly. 

His mother flinched. “No, but it would be nice to hear from you once in a while.” A certain sharpness accompanied her tone now. But when she turned to Zoya her face was all smile again. “Did you settle on a dress yet?” 

Zoya blinked in surprise. “Not precisely.” 

“I would love to help you choose!” Tanya offered at once. “I would also gladly take on preparations for a wedding, once we settle on a date.” She cast Zoya an expectant glance. 

Nikolai came to her rescue. “It’s all very fresh, mother,” he said smoothly, adding a smile. “We won’t start planning right now.” 

His mother frowned in confusion. Zoya nipped on her glass. She felt the strong urge to flee from the room. Suddenly the air felt unbearably hot. 

“Well, I figured,” Tanya replied, waving her free hand. “due to the sudden engagement, you might simply be pregnant.” 

Zoya almost choked on her drink. Nikolai’s entire body tensed. “Not yet, mother,” he muttered, casting her a warning glance. 

Tanya entirely ignored him. “Because if that is the case, we should find a dress before you start you know…” She shrugged. “Gaining weight.” 

Zoya took a deep breath. She needed another drink. “I’m not pregnant,” she replied, with as much composure as she could master. 

Tanya looked almost disappointed. “I would welcome a new baby into the family,” she replied, emptying her glass at last. “But it will happen sooner or later, will it?” She gave the both of them an expectant glance.

_ She needed to get out of here.  _ Zoya took another breath, trying to ignore the way Nikolai was watching her, the question on his face. They had never talked about children. Not ever. “I really need to use the bathroom,” she managed to say, giving Tanya an apologetic smile. 

Nikolai’s mother waved her hand in goodbye as Zoya fled, towards one of the doors which let to the vast balconies. She pushed the door open, welcoming the cool air which flooded her lungs. This was exactly why she had not wanted to speak to Nikolai’s mother. 

Zoya’s fingers were shaking as she lit a cigarette, fiddling with her lighter until finally a flame sparked. She inhaled deeply, closing her eyes for a moment. Only when she heard someone approach her did she open them again. 

“I thought you quit smoking.” Nikolai leaned against the railing right next to her. His gaze was not judging. Only confused. 

Zoya shook her head, taking another drag. He had always hated this habit of hers, and yet she had never quite managed to shake it off. “Your mother is a handful.” 

He laughed. “She is,” he confirmed. For a moment he hesitated. “You don’t want children then?” 

Zoya felt the old feeling of fear curling up in her stomach. She flicked some ash away with her finger. “I’m not ready.” 

“Not even ready to answer my question?” A hint of sharpness had entered his tone. 

Her gaze shot up, piercing through him. “What do you want me to say?” 

Nikolai shrugged helplessly. “The truth. A simple yes or no.” 

The cigarette tasted like ashes on her tongue. “I don’t know,” she repeated. “I never even wanted to get married. You know that.” Why did they need to have this discussion right now? 

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Fine.” It didn’t sound fine. 

Zoya silently finished her cigarette, but it didn’t make her feel any better. “Do you want to go back inside?” she said eventually. 

Nikolai huffed. “Not really,” he muttered. “My mother will just keep asking more invasive questions.” 

She could sense the words he didn’t speak, the questions which lingered. “We can’t leave just yet,” she replied, only because she didn’t want to go back to his place just yet. She wasn’t ready to face the talk they were about to have. “Let’s go.” 

Nikolai rolled his eyes, but followed her back into the room. The air was too hot and too dry, and yet Zoya pulled him towards the dancefloor. His mother was probably watching from somewhere. 

“Since when do you like dancing?” Nikolai commented, his arm already around her waist. He took her hand in his. 

She shook her head. “I don’t, but the next time your mother talks to me she will probably already have a wedding date planned.” 

Nikolai smiled, fingers brushing along her waist. He waved one of the waiter’s closer, handing Zoya another glass of champagne. “We might need it,” he remarked. “My mother is planning a speech later tonight.” 

Zoya already felt a headache coming. She took a large sip of champagne. This was going to be a long evening. 

Too many drinks later, Zoya found herself in the backseat of a car. Tanya had held a speech, and a very long one indeed. At some point Zoya’s brain had given up trying to process the words. She was leaned against the window now, trying to ignore the way her head was spinning. 

Nikolai was chatting with the driver, one hand resting on her leg and lazily brushing along her thigh. The touch sent a shiver across Zoya’s skin, no matter how tired of the day she was. Nikolai seemed to have noticed, and she barely caught his hand before he could slip higher, digging her nails into the skin of his wrist. 

His lips curled up in a smirk as he leaned forward, saying something to the driver in a low voice. Then the wall separating them from the rest of the car went up. 

Zoya narrowed her eyes at him. “Why do I think that I won’t like what comes next?” 

His smile was promising. “I think you might like it a lot, actually.” He slipped closer, trapping her between his body and the door of the car. “The divider isn’t soundproof,” he muttered, lips already nipping at her earlobe. “But if you can be quiet-” 

Zoya’s breath hitched. His fingers were brushing along the inside of her thigh, daring to slip higher. Daring for her to object. “I think I can manage,” she whispered, leaning her head against the window as Nikolai smirked, lips moving along the shell of her ear and tracing kisses. 

“Good,” he breathed, kissing along the side of her neck. His teeth nipped at her skin, softly digging into the flesh. And then his hand traveled higher, below the silk of her underwear, and Zoya pressed her lips together to avoid crying out as one finger slipped inside her, painfully slowly. Her nails dug into the fabric of his suit as she searched for something to hold onto, almost ripping it. 

Nikolai cast her a cocky grin, circling against her clit, kisses now covering her mouth. Zoya opened her lips under his, letting him swallow her moans as a second finger slipped inside her, the sensation building up within her. She was going to lose it right here in this car. 

And Nikolai was enjoying every minute of it. He was grinning against her lips, fingers moving painfully slowly, making her desperate. Zoya shifted in her seat, trying to move her hips to gain a better angle. 

But he had her pinned tightly in place, his other hand moving up to brush the hair away from her face. “Patience, Nazyalensky,” he muttered, one quick kiss against her lips. He could feel how close she was. 

She released a muffled cry, biting her lip hard enough to hurt as Nikolai’s finger brushed over her clit, again and again, sending her closer and closer towards the edge. The car came to a stop, the driver in the front complaining about a red light. She barely heard it. The world had lost its sound. 

Nikolai silenced her with his lips as she came, drowning out her moans with his tongue flicking into her mouth. Zoya sank back into the seat, closing her eyes for a moment to regain her composure. She wondered if she looked as much like a mess as she felt like one. “This really,” she began, voice shaking. “wasn’t necessary.” 

Nikolai smirked, moving away into a sitting position. “I disagree,” he replied, smoothing out the fabric of his suit. “I quite enjoy seeing you desperate.” 

She was going to kill him. The car stopped suddenly, the driver knocking against the divider. “We have arrived, Sir.”

Zoya sighed, waiting for Nikolai to open the door for her. He took her hand as he helped her outside, and she struggled to keep upright for a moment. The alcohol still made her rather dizzy. Nikolai wrapped a supporting arm around her waist, kissing the top of her head as he lead her towards the elevator which went up to his penthouse. 

Even now Zoya could feel the tension in the air, the words they still had not spoken. She leaned against the wall of the lift, taking a deep breath. All she wanted was sleep. 

The doors opened with a sound and then they were in the townhouse. Zoya silently followed Nikolai inside, still a little insecure on her feet. She sank down on the large couch, the leather cool against her skin as she laid down, no longer feeling able to move. 

“You do realize we also have a bed?” Nikolai asked, his footsteps echoing through the room. 

Zoya weakly shook her head. “I’m too tired.” 

“Want me to undress you?” he joked, his hands suddenly around her, picking her up from the couch. “You’re not sleeping in the living room,” he added, much more softly. 

Zoya only opened her eyes when he had put her down on the large bed, rolling onto her stomach. “Champagne really is awful,” she muttered, burying her head in the pillow. 

Nikolai laughed, slipping out of his shirt. He climbed onto the bed then, brushing some hair away from her back and moving to unzip her dress. He placed a kiss against her spine as he helped her out of it, Zoya wrapping the silk sheets around her body as soon as she was free of the fabric. 

“Your mother,” she muttered. “really hates me now, doesn’t she?” 

Nikolai sighed, resting his head against the pillows as he laid down next to her. “She actually really likes you,” he replied quietly. “When you went to the bathroom she told me you reminded her of herself in her  _ best years _ .”

Zoya blinked, frowning as she glared at Nikolai. “Can I consider that a compliment?” 

He shrugged lightly. “I assume you can.”

That was something at least. Zoya struggled to keep her eyes open, tiredness at last taking a hold of her. She was vaguely aware of Nikolai’s arms wrapping around her, pulling her against his chest and whispering something into her hair. But sleep was already overcoming her and she never knew what he had said. 


	4. Chapter 4

Zoya was awoken by sunlight. She rolled onto her back, feeling the bed next to her empty. The shower was running in the next door bathroom. For a moment she contemplated joining Nikolai in there, paying him back for last night, but she couldn’t will her body to move just yet. She had a terrible headache. And she had classes later during the day. 

She listened to the sound of the running water, sitting up in the silk sheets. They would have this conversation today. There was no way past it. 

At last the shower went out. Zoya leaned back against the pillows, reaching for her phone and sending a quick text to Genya, just when Nikolai emerged from the bathroom. He had a towel wrapped around his hips and nothing else, his skin still slightly damp. 

Zoya glanced at him, her eyes getting stuck at the toned lines of his stomach. She watched him for a moment, wondering whether she could postpone the conversation for a while if she decided just to rip his towel off right now. 

Naturally, he noticed. “Enjoying yourself?” he commented, casting her an amused look as he disappeared in the next room - his closet. 

Zoya rolled her eyes, moving to climb out of the bed. She followed Nikolai into the closet, walking into the corner where she kept some of her clothes. “You will need to give me more room in here, you know,” she remarked, turning her back towards him as she slipped into a pair of black skinny jeans. 

Nikolai moved behind her and before she could turn he had his arms around her waist, pulling her against his still bare chest. “I’d give you the entire room if that meant you were moving in here,” he whispered against her neck, placing a kiss against her shoulder. “Also why are you getting dressed?” He playfully tugged at the clip of her bra. 

Zoya batted his hands away, reaching for a shirt to slip into. “Because I have things to do,” she declared, fluffing her hair over her shoulders as she pulled the fabric over her head. “Not everyone has your lifestyle.” 

Nikolai pouted, reaching her her hips and drawing her closer nevertheless. “I’m sure you have two more hours,” he purred, already kissing his way down her neck. 

Zoya sighed. Apparently he didn’t wish to address yesterday evening any more than she did, as desperately as he was trying to get her clothes off. But she pulled away, shaking her head and walking back into the bedroom. She sank down on one of the leather armchairs Nikolai liked to keep around in every room, watching her boyfriend follow her into the room. “Are we going to talk about yesterday?” she said eventually. 

Nikolai gave his best try at an unbothered expression. “Which part of yesterday?” 

“You know which part I mean,” she replied quietly. At least by now he had put on a shirt. 

He gave her a long glance, before sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Fine. Talk.” 

Zoya played with a strand of hair. “I thought you might have something to say .”

“I asked if you wanted kids yesterday, you said you don’t know.” He was still gazing at her. “What more is there to say?”

_ Perhaps she had not been quite honest.  _ “What if I didn’t want any?” She wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear the answer. 

Nikolai’s eyes softened. “Then I’ll get to have you all to myself for the next eighty years.”

Zoya sighed, leaning her head against the back of the armchair. There was more she wanted to say. More she wanted to tell him. And yet she couldn’t get the words out. “You never asked me before,” she said eventually. “Isn’t that usually something couples discuss before getting engaged?” 

Nikolai shrugged. “I don’t care. Besides-” He almost smiled. “I was fearing to scare you off if I asked about it too soon.” 

A valid point. Zoya looked up at the ceiling. Nikolai had never asked about her past, not once. He had never pushed. Never demanded anything from her. 

Like he had read her mind, he shifted on the bed. “What are you so afraid of?” His voice was very soft. 

A question which didn’t demand an answer. If she wanted to, she could pretend not to have heard him. But she owed him this. Owed him an explanation, after five years. 

And so she lifted her head, looking at him. “When I was nine,” she began, fearing that if she stopped for two long her courage would leave her. She had never spoken the words out loud. Never allowed herself to feel the pain which came with the story. “my mother planned to marry me off to a thirty-year-old guy she had met at a party. She needed the money and he offered her enough to consider the offer.” 

Nikolai’s face had gone ashen. He was staring at her with sudden shock. 

Zoya didn’t allow herself to consider it just yet. “I ran away, to my aunt’s house.” The memory of Liliyana was the one she feared to unlock the most. “She took care of me.” Her voice was shaking. She didn’t want to continue. Didn’t want to speak the next words out loud. 

Nikolai was still silent. 

“I moved to this city at eighteen, for university. One evening I called her, asking whether she wanted to go to dinner with me. She said she was tired, but I told her that we needed to celebrate and so she agreed.” She felt tears at the back of her eyes now. But she wouldn’t fall apart in front of Nikolai. “She never arrived.” She could hear his sharp intake of breath. Zoya forced herself to continue speaking, because if she stopped now she would never get the words across her lips. “The hospital called me an hour later, told me she had been in a car crash.” More tears daring to slip past her defense. She blinked them away. “She died before I could even talk to her again.” 

And it had been her fault. Her fault because she had been selfish, had wanted to meet with her. The doctor’s had told Zoya that her aunt had missed a red light, crashed into a tree. There had been no saving her. And the only one to blame had been Zoya. 

Nikolai wasn’t moving. He was watching her, so much pain in his eyes that Zoya couldn’t look at him. She stared out of the window instead. Never before had she exposed herself this much, or dared herself to tell the story. Admit to herself that it was indeed the truth, and not some movie plot having happened to another girl, in another life.  _ Liliyana was dead.  _ Had been dead for four years now. 

“I’m sorry,” Nikolai said eventually. His voice was shaking as well. “I’m so sorry.” 

Zoya took a deep breath. Her lungs refused to fill with enough air. Abruptly she got to her feet, ignoring the way the world was spinning around her once she stood. But she needed to get out of this room. She found the bathroom door first, jamming it open and closing it behind herself, locking the door just before she sank down onto the floor. 

Four years of pain rattled through her, the impact daring to take her breath away. She felt tears running down her cheeks as she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to shut off the images which kept coming back. 

The hospital. A doctor telling her that her aunt would not make it. The beeping of machines. A sob escaped her as she crumbled, suddenly feeling like the only person in the entire world. 

Nikolai leaned against the frame of the bathroom door, not yet having the courage to knock. He could hear Zoya crying even through the wood, the very sound shattering his heart into a thousand pieces. He had seen the way her hands had been shaking when she had told her story, the way the pain had unfolded in her eyes. Nikolai wasn’t sure what he had done to deserve her trust, that she had suddenly decided to share this with him. 

Very slowly he knocked on the door. “Zoya,” he said softly. “Let me help.” 

No reply, but he hadn’t expected one. 

He took a deep breath. “Zoya,” he tried again. “Please.” The last word echoed through the silence. 

A few seconds passed without a sound. He barely dared to even breathe. Then the key was turned. 

Nikolai carefully opened the door, glancing inside. Zoya was sitting on the floor, her eyes red from crying and her back leaned against the edge of the bathtub. She didn’t look up when he slipped inside, didn’t even react. She just kept staring into the empty air. 

He sat down next to her, careful not to touch her. Never before had he seen Zoya cry. It was a sight he hoped never having to see again, if only because it was too painful for him to stomach. He wanted to comfort her. 

He wanted to take her into his arms and never let go. 

But he wasn’t sure if that was what she needed right now. So instead he thought of something to say. “That one day in May, where you always leave town,” he said softly. “That’s the day she died, isn’t it?” He had never known. Zoya had never let him close enough to see her pain before. 

She just nodded in silence. Fresh tears were running down her cheeks, but she didn't make a sound. The sobs had died away. 

“It wasn’t your fault, you know.” He had seen the guilt in her expression when she had talked, had seen the impact tearing her down. She was blaming herself for asking her aunt to come. “You couldn’t have known.” 

Zoya took a shaky breath. “I asked her to come,” she said quietly, voice barely more than a whisper. “So it was my fault.” 

Nikolai reached for her hand, slow enough to allow her to pull away if she had to. Zoya remained completely still. “Thank you for telling me.” He brushed a tear away from her face. 

Zoya glanced at him, her large blue eyes considering. And then she did something unexpected. 

Nikolai was taken by surprise when she suddenly rested her head against his chest, shifting closer. He wrapped an arm around her waist, placing a kiss at the top of her head and resting his lips against her hair. “I love you,” he whispered, still too surprised to say anything else. 

Zoya had never asked for comfort before. And yet she was lying in his arms right now. 

This was not what they did. What Zoya asked from him was not comfort, but distraction. When she had a tough exam she allowed him to take her out for dinner, take her mind off her studies through sex. Never before had she actually shown any need to be comforted. 

He could feel her uneven breathing now, saw her lashes flutter shut as she rested her forehead against his chest. As if the memories were dragging her down. Nikolai carefully pulled her closer, inhaling the scent of her perfume as he dropped another kiss onto her hair. 

They stayed like this for a few minutes, before Zoya eventually shifted. He could feel her armour locking back into place as she blinked the last of her tears away, avoiding to look at him as she struggled to her feet. 

Nikolai sighed silently, following her into the bedroom with enough space not to intrude. He watched her pace through the room, eyes restless. 

“I need to get going,” she said eventually, her fingers playing with the ring on her finger. “I have class later.” 

He didn’t like the thought of her being alone right now. “Stay until then,” he offered. “You can study here if you want to. Just… stay.” 

Zoya glanced at him for a moment, then stared down at her engagement ring. “Fine,” she said eventually, sinking down on the edge of the bed. She looked lost. 

Nikolai exhaled, walking over and kneeling down in front of her. “Do you regret telling me?” 

Her eyes met his. “No,” she said quietly. “I just want to stop thinking about it.” 

He nodded. “Okay.” That was all he could offer her. He didn’t know how to take her pain away. 

Zoya left for her classes at 5pm, although not before Nikolai made her promise to come back afterwards. She rolled her eyes at the suggestion, almost with her usual spirit, but nodded eventually. 

Nikolai used the spare time to make a few phone calls, get some paperwork done and eventually poured himself a glass of red wine, sitting down in front of the TV. He ordered pizza at 8, hoping Zoya might for once be on time and leave her studies early, which of course she didn't. 

It was nearly 10pm when the elevator announced her arrival, and he turned around on the sofa to watch her striding inside. She looked tired, more so than this morning. He could see her tension as she dropped her bag to the floor, kicked off her boots and made her way over to him. Nikolai raised a brow as she reached for his glass first thing, taking a large sip of wine. “Hard day?” 

Zoya sighed. “Like every day.” She turned towards the kitchen, taking his glass with her.

Seeing her move so freely in his home made Nikolai smile. It was almost like she had moved in already. “You will need to warm up the pizza,” he remarked, turning the volume of the TV down. 

“I noticed,” Zoya commented, returning to the room with the bottle of wine and the pizza box. “I just don’t care.” She sank down next to him. 

Nikolai watched her for a moment, then shifted and took the glass from her. He took a sip of wine himself. “How are you feeling?” This was the question Zoya hated most and he was well aware, and yet he couldn’t stop himself from asking. 

She glanced at him, setting the pizza box aside. “I’m tired,” was all she said. “Also I got a call from your mother.” 

That was unexpected. “Really?” Usually she stuck to harassing her son with calls. “What did she want?” 

Zoya sighed, leaning back against the edge of the sofa. A few strands of dark hair fell into her face. “Talk about a wedding dress. A wedding date.” 

Nikolai refilled his glass. “I’ll talk to her. Tell her it can wait.” 

Zoya hesitated. He could feel that she wanted to reply, but was waiting for the right words. “I already told her spring would be nice.” 

For a moment he didn’t understand. “Spring  _ next year?”  _ It was already December. Christmas in less than a week. 

She sat up straight, blowing the hair away from her eyes with an exasperated breath. “Why wait?” She shrugged. “She said we can discuss the rest on Christmas.” 

Nikolai blinked.  _ Christmas?  _

Now Zoya smirked. “I told her we would come.” 

Oh Saints. Nikolai quickly downed more wine. “My fiance and my mother allying against me? Great.” 

Zoya’s smile turned softer, and she slipped closer, climbing into his lap. He noticed she hadn’t flinched at the word  _ fiance.  _ She hadn’t reacted at all. Not this time. “You don’t want to go?” she asked, resting her hands against his chest. Her blue eyes were studying him. 

Nikolai hadn’t celebrated Christmas with his family for years. His mother always insisted on throwing a huge party, and he had never been in the mood to attend. The last years he had spent with Zoya, getting drunk and having sex, but this year would apparently be different. “As long as you’re with me, I’ll go anywhere,” he replied, taking her hand and pressing a kiss to her fingers. “I just didn’t think you would want to go.” 

Zoya was silent for a moment. “I was afraid for so long,” she said eventually. “But you know everything now.” She pressed her lips together. “So if I get my heart broken, that’s on me now.” 

Nikolai shook his head, leaning forward to catch her lips with his. He felt her arms wrapping around his neck, her lips parting under his as she welcomed his tongue, slipping closer against him. “I don’t think you’re prepared for Christmas with my mother,” he whispered in between kisses, drinking in her lips with his own. 

Zoya released a small laugh, followed by a gasp as Nikolai flipped her over and pinned her down on the sofa below himself. “I can handle your mother.” Her breathing was slightly uneven. 

Just in this moment her phone rang. Nikolai released a growl as Zoya kicked him off her, sitting up and taking the call. “Hey Genya,” she purred, giving him a particular satisfied look. “Oh no, you’re not interrupting anything.” 

Nikolai moved behind her, lips dropping down to her neck. Zoya tensed under his touch as he wrapped his arms around her waist and nipped at the skin of her ear, then downwards. She released a sharp breath, still holding the phone. 

Nikolai smirked as she attempted to pull away, shooting him a warning look. “No, I’m still here,” she told Genya. Her eyes slid to Nikolai again, casting him a very clear  _ I am going to kill you  _ glance. 

He didn’t mind as he pulled her shirt down her shoulder, kissing along her shoulder blade. Zoya shivered under the touch. She took an uneven breath. “Can I call you back?” she asked into the phone. “Yeah, okay. Talk to you later.” She dropped the phone, slapping Nikolai’s hand away from her waist. “You’re terrible.” 

He laughed against her skin. “What am I supposed to do if you favour Genya over me?” 

She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. “Your arrogance knows no bounds.” 

“And yet you fell in love with me,” he commented. Just to see whether he could get a reaction. 

Zoya’s eyes remained on him as she put the phone down, climbing back onto the sofa. “I did,” she replied, leaning forward to press a kiss to his lips. “And I haven’t regretted it yet.” 

Nikolai drew her closer, her body melting against his as she pushed him back against the pillows. “So wedding in spring?” he whispered against her lips, already pulling the shirt over her head. 

Zoya shook the fabric off, fluffing her hair back as she climbed back into his lab, every inch of exposed skin pressing against Nikolai as she nodded. “Wedding in spring.” 

He didn’t let go of her for the rest of the night. 


End file.
